Stress Fractures
May. 19th, 2006 01:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
baphnediaIt finally happened. Three years of denial, exaggerated self-care, and a warp-speed life have finally caused my mental state to fracture and splinter off into itty bitty little bite-sized peices. On Tuesday night, I damn near killed myself. I had Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. I still remember all three plans and the length of which I carried each of them out before moving onto the next. In four hours, I'll be putting myself in exactly the first step of plan C, and I can't sleep because of it.
For the moment, I'm told that I'm O.K. But, for the long term, I don't know. The VA Hospital in Madison, WI refused treatment, because I'd been back from Iraq for 'more than two years'. Veterans' benefits must be eroding again, or they've been eroding all along. In either case, I'm beginning to wonder if I should bother giving the next 13 years of my life to the Army... seeing as how I'll not be any better off than anyone else, save for the fact that I got shot at more times than the most violent ganstas in the town I recruit in.
It's been a very long process, but the explosions in my head that nearly were the end of me weren't shaped in six months, not even only at my time at FT Gordon. They've been brewing, in their own manner during and since Iraq. Oh, there are a couple of matters that have bothered me since even before I joined the Army, but, I'll eventually be able to handle them. Just after I answer 20 odd messages on my phone.
I'm getting my life kind of back on track, but, I've lost valuable ground. It isn't the ground that can't be recovered - it just means that while I recover, I'll need to push myself further to persue what is important to me. The worst nature of this... encounter with my destructive desires is the change of identity, perceived or realized. Something I hope to explain in better detail in the future.
Why the future? Because barring something completely accidental, I'll be around to continue updating my blog. Hopefully, I'll even be able to write some trivial and pointless entries while on the road to recovery, with goofy updates of what's going on at my website among other things. At this point in my mind, I think the worst thing I am suffering from is doubt. Doubt in everything I do, doubt in the value of strengths that I think I had or seek to gain. But, I can at least say that I'm glad to be here to doubt everything...
Except - I am the Founding Rocket Surgeon of Paradice Net, and nobody can take that away from me.
For the moment, I'm told that I'm O.K. But, for the long term, I don't know. The VA Hospital in Madison, WI refused treatment, because I'd been back from Iraq for 'more than two years'. Veterans' benefits must be eroding again, or they've been eroding all along. In either case, I'm beginning to wonder if I should bother giving the next 13 years of my life to the Army... seeing as how I'll not be any better off than anyone else, save for the fact that I got shot at more times than the most violent ganstas in the town I recruit in.
It's been a very long process, but the explosions in my head that nearly were the end of me weren't shaped in six months, not even only at my time at FT Gordon. They've been brewing, in their own manner during and since Iraq. Oh, there are a couple of matters that have bothered me since even before I joined the Army, but, I'll eventually be able to handle them. Just after I answer 20 odd messages on my phone.
I'm getting my life kind of back on track, but, I've lost valuable ground. It isn't the ground that can't be recovered - it just means that while I recover, I'll need to push myself further to persue what is important to me. The worst nature of this... encounter with my destructive desires is the change of identity, perceived or realized. Something I hope to explain in better detail in the future.
Why the future? Because barring something completely accidental, I'll be around to continue updating my blog. Hopefully, I'll even be able to write some trivial and pointless entries while on the road to recovery, with goofy updates of what's going on at my website among other things. At this point in my mind, I think the worst thing I am suffering from is doubt. Doubt in everything I do, doubt in the value of strengths that I think I had or seek to gain. But, I can at least say that I'm glad to be here to doubt everything...
Except - I am the Founding Rocket Surgeon of Paradice Net, and nobody can take that away from me.
